Sunday, June 10, 2012

And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

I saw that someone had posted the 76 Things Banned in Leviticus, and wanted to see how I scored.

(If you want to share yours in the comments, I'll happily approve them.)

  • 3.  Eating fat (3:17) - BACON: it's worth hell.
  • 4.  Eating blood (3:17) - did this one in England; not worth hell, unless I meet a Klingon
  • 6.  Failing to testify against any wrongdoing you’ve been told about (5:1) - that would be hearsay, and it is inadmissable
  • 7.  Touching an unclean animal (5:2) - how the hell do I wash my dog??
  • 8.  Carelessly making an oath (5:4) - I promise not to do that.  D'OH!
  • 11.  Bringing unauthorised fire before God (10:1) - have you seen our firepit?
  • 12.  Letting your hair become unkempt (10:6) - submitted by the Barber's Union of Judea (not to be confused with the Judean Barber's Union - they're splitters)
  • 13.  Tearing your clothes (10:6) - I am clumsy.
  • 14.  Drinking alcohol in holy places (10:9) - LOL, Catholics!
  • 15.  Eating an animal which doesn’t both chew cud and has a divided hoof (11:4-7) - Again -Bacon is worth Hell.  God *really* needs to set the bar a little lower.
  • 16.   Touching the carcass of any of the above (11:8) - Oink.
  • 17.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – any seafood without fins or scales (11:10-12) - Sushi was NOT worth Hell.
  • 20.  Eating any animal which walks on all four and has paws (11:27) - LOL, Del Taco
  • 36.  Having sex with a woman during her period (18:19) - No comment; I'm not incriminating anyone else.
  • 38.  Giving your children to be sacrificed to Molek (18:21) - ...but I took it back.  Does Molek do "take-backs"?
  • 41.  Making idols or “metal gods” (19:4) - My birthday present on my 5th birthday: C-3PO action figure.
  • 45.  Lying (19:11) - I always do this.  #seewhatIdidthere
  • 46.  Swearing falsely on God’s name (19:12)
  • 50.  Perverting justice, showing partiality to either the poor or the rich (19:15) - Uh-oh - between the Tea Party and OWS, we're ALL guilty of this one.
  • 51.  Spreading slander (19:16) - I forwarded a FoxNews link once.
  • 52.  Doing anything to endanger a neighbour’s life (19:16) - I drive a car.  Duh.
  • 53.  Seeking revenge or bearing a grudge (19:18) - You won't see it coming, either, you bastard.
  • 54.  Mixing fabrics in clothing (19:19) - With my fashion sense?  Yeah, I've probably done this.
  • 55.  Cross-breeding animals (19:19) - Does singing "Skullcrusher Mountain" count?  "I made this half-pony/half-monkey monster to please you..."
  • 56.  Planting different seeds in the same field (19:19) - It shouldn't count if you forget to water them and they die.
  • 59.  Practising divination or seeking omens (tut, tut astrology) (19:26) LOL, "Left Behind" series
  • 60.  Trimming your beard (19:27) - Well, Duh.
  • 61.  Cutting your hair at the sides (19:27)
  • 62.  Getting tattoos (19:28) - Oh, wait - I thought this said "tacos."  Kater is the tattooed one.
  • 64.  Turning to mediums or spiritualists (19:31) - Madame Brent read my tarot once.
  • 65.  Not standing in the presence of the elderly (19:32) - The whole TIME?  
  • 66.  Mistreating foreigners – “the foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born”  (19:33-34) - I am mean to Koreans.
  • 67.  Using dishonest weights and scales (19:35-36) - Oh, like YOUR bathroom is a house of honesty!
  • 68.  Cursing your father or mother (punishable by death) (20:9) - I swear to God it was just an Impedimenta (oops... #46 again.)
  • 70.  Entering a place where there’s a dead body as a priest (21:11) - Wait, now - is the priest playing a dead body, like in the musical version of "Weekend at Bernies" starring Father Guido Sarducci? Or is the dead body dressed as a priest?  Or am I the dead priest?  Well, she looked 18...
  • 72.  Working on the Sabbath (23:3) - God don't pay Sunday shift differential.
  • 73.  Blasphemy (punishable by stoning to death) (24:14) - Gleefully - I suspect this post alone counts.  And if the stones start flying, that will only make me do it more loudly and often.
  • 74.  Inflicting an injury; killing someone else’s animal; killing a person must be punished in kind (24:17-22) - LOL, turning the other cheek!

So I scored... 35 (or did I violate #67 again?).  I'd try to up that, but there are a lot of non-existent and existing people I don't want to fuck on that list.  I'll have to be content with low-30's grade evil.  With a small "e"...


Michael Crutchfield said...

So, you can't let your hair get unkempt but you can't cut it at the sides. Everyone burns in hell together!

Tad said...

Yea, ye must brush daily with the Holy Hairbrush of Antioch - stroking downward 5 times. That is not six, for that is too many, nor four, lest ye proceed straight on to five...